Getting Older

Whoo...my birthday's comin' up next month, and boy, am I excited or what? The answer is 'what'. 17. Big effin' deal.
By the way, don't ask why I've abandoned my blog for 2 whole months. It, like every other part of my life I have to explain, is a long, long story. Let's just say it involves exams, Mangalore, Christmas, more exams, practical exams, and making e-cards for a very good friend's birthday. It probably goes without saying, but Pre-University College life sucks balls.
Or an even better excuse: I was on Sabbatical. lol, that reminds me,
Joey: Ross lost his job.
Ross: Hey! I'm on Sabbatical.
Joey: Don't bring religion into this!
Yes, I still watch Friends. So sue me.
Anywho, let's go back to the topic, so you can listen to me grumble and rant about my birthday.
What's so damn great about being 17 anyway?
I mean, you're not legally old enough to drive, you have exams throughout the year with no shortage of people round you telling you to 'study, study, study!!'. I mean, jeez dude, gimme a break already! Just a year ago, I had my ICSE boards. (If I remember right, I wrote about it in my first post.) Back then I was told (by evil people with nefarious purposes, no doubt) that if I didn't get above 90% in ICSE, I would be a homeless, stinky beggar/hobo. Oh, and that I wouldn't get a seat in a 'good' College, but if I did get good marks, I would never have to study hard again. Well, I got 86% and ended up in a 'good' college, with the nerdiest combination possible (PCMC) with people who had, like, 60%. Now, they tell me, to get above 95% (Notice the extra 5%?) to get into another 'good' college. When does this ever end?? Am I doomed to be writing exams for the rest of my youth?
Whoa, I'm veering off-topic.
Aside from the not-old-enough-to-do anything-legit is being emo. I'm an emo kid as it is, and 17's like the peak of teenage emo-ness...Trust the same people who don't like teenagers to make us feel more emo than ever.
Now, If only I was 18...

Yes, I know this post makes no sense and sticks to the topic about as much as a quadriplegic otter sticks to your ceiling. So sue me.

On a side-note:
This is a picture of Salman Khan that appeared in the Bangalore Mirror.


This is a very very bad edit of the same picture showing what Salman would look like if he had pigtails and wore ladies' clothing.


I couldn't help it! He looked so girly....What kind of fag wears earrings on both ears anyway? People, keep in mind, this guy is how most Indians would define as macho.

Until next time...

Fun Things to do at Garuda

For all you non-Bangaloreans, Garuda is one of the biggest malls and definitely funnest in Bangalore.

Here's my list of funnest things to do in Garuda.

Go to the 5th floor, and jump over the railing. There's that safety net just over the ground floor, so you won't suffer any physical harm. I'm guessing the feeling is better than bungee jumping, because, for one thing, there's no cord attached to your ankle. I'm betting you can do this at least twice before getting chucked out.

Everytime you go into Garuda or Inox, when the security guard's checking you're bag, say "nehi, bhai, nehi, andar bomb hai!"(Don't, bro, don't, there's a bomb inside!").I've heard you can be chucked in jail for this, but those security guys usually just smile, go on checking and say something very witty in Hindi, which is very sad, because I can't understand it.

Buy a nice scary costume(preferably glow-in-the-dark), like a skeleton with fangs or something, go into scary house, go a bit inside, change into the costume, and go around with a plastic knife, scaring the shit out of those guys dressed up as ghosts, demons and what not.
(I'm really planning to do this sometime, but lack of a good skelly costume prevents me from doing so...If you're gonna do this, all I ask is that you have a friend with you who can videotape the whole thing.)

Sit on one of the benches on the ground floor and rate the babes passing by...This works best when you have a friend with you. Yeah, I know its sexist, but then, no one's keeping girls from doing the same thing to guys, so...
(All credit to this goes to Mario and Vicario)

Go to Inox, sit at the back, and when the lights dim just when the movie starts, scream "Blind! Blind!" or do a really blood-curdling scream if you can. This always gets a few laughs or chuckles. For some reason though, it doesn't work in PVR and Innovative, probably because the people there are too snobby and too dumb respectively.

Go to the elevator, go to the guy inside and tell him,"5th floor".On the way, pretend to have an argument with your friend over whether you really want to go to the 5th floor. Just when the doors open, tell the guy, "no no no, Ground floor only". Repeat this twice or thrice. This works best on weekday mornings, when there aren't many people around. The best part is, technically, you're not doing anything wrong.

This one is a joke on that lingerie store in the 1st/2nd floor. I'm calling it the lingerie store, because I keep forgetting what its called. Get a pic of a dog or a cat standing on its hind legs, photoshop ladies' underwear and that lingerie store logo in the corner and take a glossy print-out. Go to the store with a friend, show them the pic and rant and scream about cruelty to animals, PETA, SPCA and the Bangalore Mirror. Make sure they don't have the time to think. Just do it and get the hell outa there. I'm pretty sure this has some legal effects, so...

Go to Amoeba. See those Air Hockey tables?

This is an Air Hockey table

Lots of people never play till the puck goes into one of the goals. they just leave it on the table when they're time runs out. Wht you have to do is wait till someone actually comes to play, and just before they reach the table, start playing with your friend WITHOUT putting cash in it. If you and your friend are good enough (or bad enough) to play without scoring, you can piss of a lot of people. Remember, if one of you actually score a point, the puck stays inside till you put cash in, so DON't score any points.

If you're in the Food Court and its crowded, or even if you just feel like it, walk around the tables(with a friend), talking about really disgusting stuff like baby shit or vomiting mexican food or something else like it. You'll get a table for sure.

Watch a movie at Inox, and during the intermission, go to that place they sell popcorn and Coke and stuff. Make sure You're the first in line and your friend is behind you. Take a long time choosing("I'll have a...no, wait, mebbe a coke and..no, no cash, why not......") Meanwhile, the guy will try and take you friend's order. Make sure your friend does the same thing. Do this for exactly 2 minutes and 20 seconds. Then order, and go back to your theatre. Since the intermissions are very short at Inox, this will make sure no one else in the line gets to order.

I'll update this list as and when I think of more.

edit: Woohoo! This post was published in the Bangalore Mirror! November 30th, Page 13.

Mallu Physics

What's with Mallu (Malayali i.e. Keralite) Women and Physics?
I've had one of them teaching Physics ever since I was 11 years old, til now, where 2 of my Physics teachers in college are Mallu...That's basically the whole of my Education in physics...
Don't get me wrong, I'm not being racist or anything...Some of my best friends are Mallus...
What irritates me is that they always talk with this horrible accent...
Like,"The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" becomes "Doe kigk broon foox joombs ovur do loazy doog".
For years, one of these teachers have been calling me Doomnic...DAMN, that's irritating!
And of all the subjects, why Physics?
For years, I've been listening to explanantions of the "Simbul Liver"(Simple Lever) and the "Pooleece System"(Pulley System)...
It's no wonder so many people flunk Physics...

Eragon Skywalker?

See the similarities?

So here I was, watching Star Wars IV (Or if you look at it chronologically, Star Wars I) for the first time, and I felt that somehow I'd actually watched all this before. However, I didn't realize how, where or why I felt this way, until I saw Eragon. Then I realized that half the storyline was exactly the same! (Well,almost exactly the same..)
There are so many things common, it makes you wonder...
- Both Eragon and Luke never knew their parents.
- Both the guys' moms died when they were babies.
- Both of them were brought up by their uncles.
- Both meet a mysterious old geezer.
- Both of them walk out and return to find their house gutted and uncle killed by 'the forces of evil'*.
- Both leave the place they were brought up in, never to return again.
- Both get a shiny sword from Mysterious Old Geezer.
- Both discover 'the force within them'.
- Mysterious Old Geezer teaches both of them how to use 'the force within them'.
- Mysterious Old Geezer dies halfway through the first movie/book.
- Both find out at the end of part II that their dads are/were the bad guy.
- Both go to some wierd place to complete their training and learn from another wierder geezer who speaks philosophical shit all the time.
- Both are trying to overthrow the emperor and end his 'regime of terror'.
- Both rescue a damsel in distress in Part I.
- Both join a 'resistance' to overthrow the emperor.
- Both suddenly realize that one of the people they've hung out with for a long time is their sibling.
- Both their dads are the emperor's flunkies.
- Both their dads were originally good guys, but were 'turned to the bad side' by the soon to be emperor.
- Remember Mysterious Old Geezer? Turns out he and Eragon and Luke's dads were pretty close before they 'turned to the bad side'
Its a wonder George Lucas hasn't noticed this. How do we know he hasn't noticed this? Because if he had, he'd be suing the pants off Paulini and not trying to make another *sigh* Star Wars movie.

* Here, and in the rest of this post, everything in inverted commas is meant to be spoken in a deep, booming sepulchural voice, with just a hint of sarcasm in it.

We Love Paris Hilton !?!

Looks like Paris has been booked for drunk driving without a valid license (license for driving, not for DRUNK driving), and the judge gives her 45 days. One and a half months. And now her buddy goes and appeals to Schwarzenegger?? What's the Excuse? "Oh please Mr. Terminator, let her go scot free for boozing and driving 'coz she need to enjoy the loads of cash she inherited by doing absolutely nothing, and she has very little time to do that!!..Paris doesn't deserve to go to prison! She's a very sweet and innocent person! (Looks like everyone's forgotten her sex tape scandal). Of Course,being invited to her parties is one of the plus points for me.."
Paris' blog reads "Please sign the petition. I urge everyone who is outraged by this injustice to sign".. Injustice?!? Riiight..The breathalyzer test was probably faked by some cop who had a grudge against her, and the cop was hallucinating and thought the license was invalid..
The petition is like "We, the American public who support Paris (no, the general public hasn't gone mad, there must be only about two or three of these loons running around),are shocked, dimayed and appalled......Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn't go to jail, either. (Will someone please explain the logic to me?).......She provides hope for young people all over the US and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to our otherwise mundane lives.(Maybe they haven't forgotten the tapes after all)..
C'mon.. only a raving lunatic would believe this crap....Hey! Wait a minute! Damn! Looks like Schwarzenegger IS gonna let Hilton go free..
Oh, and in case I got y'all worried, no, this blog is not turning into a gossip rag. I'm just insulting Hilton and her hilarious petition.

Proof that Math is screwed up..

(a+b) (a-b) = (a*a-b*b)
=> (a+a) (a-a) = (a*a-a*a)
=> (a+a) (a-a) = a (a-a)
=> (a+a) = a(a-a) / (a-a)
=> a+a = a
=> 2a = 1a
=> 2 = 1

1=2 !!
Doesn't this mean everything we studied in Math is wrong??

Dhoom 2..

OK..I watched Dhoom 2 about 2 months ago..That was the 1st Hindi movie I saw since 2005 or so..and I only went because it was a friend's birthday..I basically thought the whole movie was a load of bullshit..In spite of the cool stunts,bikes,and action..but stupid story..eg.s..

1. What does Aryan jump off in the beginning,when he's trying to steal the crown..Plane? Helicopter?He's a loner,right?Who's flying the plane(or whatever)?
2. Aryan has this great idea of flicking a diamond.The standing-like-a statue part makes sense.Using the black robot thing is also pretty ingenious.But wouldn't anyone have noticed the stick thingy popping out of the robot?
3. How does Jai Dixit keep the water scooter thing underwater? And make it come out just when Ali gives the code word?
4. Why is Aryan singing "Dhoom again" in the beginning of the movie? As far as I know,he wasn't in Dhoom 1..
5. Aryan must be damn rich if he can roam around the world,buying bikes,gadgets,and stuff like that..So why does he have to run around stealing stuff?
6. When getting into the place where the diamond is,how does he get into a sewer and come out through the floor? Don't they usually come out of the toilet?
7. Why din't Sonehri just tell Jai that Aryan had 6 fingers? They could have placed webcams everywhere,and the 6 fingers could be easily spotted. Jai and Sonehri could have been witnesses..
8. When Aryan was escaping from the diamond place,How did he create that water pressure to pop the manhole cover off? And how on earth did he change into his 'cool' clothes in 10 seconds?
9. When Aryan and Sonehri are playing Russian Roulette just before the kissing scene,when did he remove the bullet?
10. When Aryan and Jai are fighting near the waterfall,how does Ali catch Sonehri so fast? Didn't she go in another direction? And how did he know that Aryan and Jai were going to be near the waterfall?
11. Sonehri might have shot Aryan with blanks,but how did he survive the fall?
12. Why does Jai look like Indian actor Amitabh Bachchan?......ok,ok,the last one was a joke..
    

What the hell's the point of writing the boards?

Considering the fact that I'm an 16-year-old and I'm in 10th standard,my 1st blog entry is gonna be about the ICSE boards.

Considering the fact that there's less than a month to go for the boards,they're all i ever think about these days..boards,boards,boards..Even if I dont think about it,there are plenty of people around me, only too willing to remind me..boards,boards,boards..
Wake up at 5:30,study,study,study,eat breakfast,study,study,study,eat lunch,study,study,study,eat dinner,study,study,study,sleep for about 5 hours,get up at 5:30 again...
That should give you a pretty good idea of my life these days..
When I get sick of mugging,I begin to ponder over the syllabus,and realize most of it is pretty shitty..Why the hell would I wanna know the religious reasons for the Sepoy Mutiny of 1957?Or if Water reacts with Copper Sulphate or not? Or the Jet Stream Theory for Monsoon Rainfall?
Imagine that,10 years from now,I'm a rock star..(IMAGINE!! AND STOP LAUGHING YOUR HEAD OFF!!)..Would i be sitting in the dressing room wondering.."Dude..!!..What are the objectives of the Muslim League..?.." or "Who were the conspirators who killed Julius Caesar..?"....?? Honestly..its all a load of crap..well, at least most of it is..
Wouldn't it be better if it was more um..flexible?
like, Eng I, basic Math and basic Science compulsory, and stuff like Comp, Eng II, 2nd lang, Commerce and Trignometry optional?
If you are a close personal friend of anyone in the ICSE Council, or, even better, if you saved one of the councillor's lives when he/she was a young child, please, please, tell him or her about the agony of the students, the oppression of the children, the desperation of the pupils, and other dramatic stuff like that you can think of.

edit : Yeaah! The dreaded boards are over, I don't have to look at a question paper for at least 4 months, I'm writing this in April while simultaenously listening to music,watching TV, playing The Simpsons:Road Rage, ignoring my mom telling me to do something productive (I AM doing something productive! I'm trying to unlockthe Springfield Dam area!), and I don't give a f*** how screwed up the boards are gonna be in the future, which means you don't have to read that shit I've written above. If you've already read it, try to forget about it.